It's not like I'm going to pick up a giant tube of vaseline and jump the next guy I see walking down the street.

I wouldn't need to wear a swimsuit; the rolls of fat would cover up all the important parts.

You've all heard of PETA: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Well, I'm for the other PETA: People for Eating Tasty Animals.

Don't bother me. I'm trying to have an orgasm here!

Trying to mix units is like trying to mix Apples and IBMs.

Centripetal motion has nothing to do with botany despite the fact that it has the word 'petal' in it

I didn't do much drinking in college; I stuck strictly to psychotropic substances.

I won't stand for you dissing oak trees!

We don't want to conform to society. We want to conform to terribly attractive, cool people.

Achilles is back on the boat, kicking back and smoking some weed.

I must have been really desperate or high on Quaaludes when I was making this list.

It's obvious that that this is a physicist's cart. If it were a philosopher's cart, I'd have to draw the picture backwards and put Descartes before the horse

Sometimes when students won't respond, I just have dialogues with myself. I used to do this as a child as well when I talked to my imaginary friends, but then they gave me some medication and that stopped.

I ain't never seen no camel nohow nowhere!

It's not homosexual today. It's not at all homosexual.

Odysseus sticks the stake, which represents a giant phallic symbol, into Polyphemus' eye, which represents the vaginal opening, and the Cyclops groans.

Cm³ is secretly known as cc but we won't use that term because I don't speak Spanish.

I know that one of you knows how old I am, and you better keep your mouth shut or you're in big trouble!

If I were going to use the rhythm method, I would want to be a rat.

Size doesn't matter, and I'm going to show you why in just a moment.

I'm going to talk about about the most conservative collisions. This does not mean that Rush Limbaugh is crashing into Dick Cheney.

My policy on make-up exams is that I don't give them. I won't be a cosmetologist.

This is the root that says, to put it bluntly, There hasn't been any damn collision!

Whether grand opera is an enhancement or a desecration of language remains to be seen.

How do you explain to your children that grandma is losing her mind and is a few fries short of a happy meal?

After the collision, my balls are still perfectly round; they haven't been scrunched or deformed in any way.

You missed quite a bit. We watched some videos of animals mating, and I'm sure you would've enjoyed them.

Most people can wear store-bought clothes. I, however, have to have a piece of canvas cut off the back of a truck in order to have pants that fit my thighs.

The acceleration due to gravity on Earth is 9.8 m/s². I could tell you what it is on my home planet, but that would violate the prime directive.

I'm going to give you more homework and spoil your weekend. I probably should be wearing a button that says I'm an S.O.B.

When I was 22 or 23 and was in the Galapagos, I was checking out the beautiful women on the beach. But when I went to South Beach, I had to be careful because it turned out that they weren't always women.

I have the highest number of offspring of everyone in this room. Most of you have none. Well, too damn bad!

Is anyone familiar with the Jack-and-Jill organization? If you're not, I'm not going to tell you about it because we can't talk about that at a Catholic institution.

Doesn't it scare you that my progeny will be the basis for the next generation?

Wouldn't Henle be a great name for a dog?